The one with the hiatus

Long time, no post. This is mostly because I've often thought about things to post while I'm pounding the pavement - often with my beloved iPod cranking out the tunes. When I make it back to my abode, the post has left me, without a keyboard to commit it to text.

In the main, the posts that haven't made it online have been about belonging, about a sense of community and why I feel I have neither. I am, in laymans terms, a freak. Please don't misunderstand, I'm a freak that some people love, it is possible that some people love me *because* I am a freak. There is no community that I feel at one with, there exsists a seperate dimension of "Rob." I'm reasonably at peace with that.

The DJ at the greyhound tonight played one of my favourite songs, he often plays this number, but today it took on an entirely new meaning for me... "Total eclipse of the heart." My heart, I suspect, has eclipsed and is merely the organ I use to pump blood around my pudgy, scarred body. Any emotions I do have, are stored somewhere inside me I'm sure, but, as Buffy sang about in "Once more with feeling." ... "I touch the fire and it freezes me, I look into it and it's black." Buffy, however, goes on to say that she wants the fire back, and, quite frankly, I'm not sure that I have the same desire. There *are* things that can penetrate my "wall" there are levels of connection I can form with people but it has to be said, in the main, my life is run with reason and logic.

So at this point I'm going to put it out there (instead of keeping it in my head) that I see myself as alone for the future I can imagine. (note a careful choice of words - even in my drunken state.) and also point out that this doesn't actually bother me that much... just occasionally.

For those of you who are wondering, the dimension of Rob contains rather a lot of penguins.