Dear Readers

I was raised in a particular way, a very British way. There aren't all that many people who could (or perhaps even would) be able to define that, that have the ability to see the division between "British" and "English." Australians, it should be noted in a overgeneralised sense, have no concept of what being British entails. British people recognised class and the structure that brought to society, we united under a reigning Monarch and our national anthem changed to reflect the gender of the Monarch at the time.

British people are also terribly apologetic about a great number of things - and at this point I want to note that not everything a Briton apologises for he or she feels at fault over. If we gave you the wrong amount of change, we would apologise. If we had run out of newspapers and couldn't sell you The Times upon request, the apologies would make even the most unsympathetic customer blush. Had the customer also been British, there would be an apology for asking for a newspaper when the owner had sold their last copy prior hence causing some degree of shame and effusive apologies.

Once, at an airport, someone rammed me from behind with their shoulder; not enough to label it a "shoulder charge" but a definite collision of two people. I turned and I said I was sorry. Fellow traveller kept going and in a fit of disgust I said (more loudly than I would normally dare) "but it appears I am the only one who is."

Over the last, let us say "year", there has been a gentleman who has been in and out of my life. We started to, dare I say, date. This was short-lived and the termination was his idea based on my not fitting quite into his concept of a relationship. More specifically (and if you want to keep an air of mystery around me, do skip to the next bit without delay) the issue of sex before breakfast. I was against, and he was very much for. This issue led to a conversation about differing sex drives and after that phone conversation the budding "relationship" was over.

A cat-and-mouse game has been played out over the course of the "year" and I was no doubt in a bad mood when I met A for breakfast. Mood was not appeased by his apparent lack of interest in active listening and attempting to understand where I might be coming from on any issue that chose to raise its head.

Most recently emailing very facebook has been the medium for discussing the possibility of restarting the "relationship" with him acknowledging some hastiness on his part ending attempt one. A, is a nice person, I stand by that - not without fault, but I have nothing nasty to say about his character. When confronted with an email suggesting he felt he was being held at arms-length by myself, I responded with the email that took the blame for that, and I did indeed use the line "a lot of things on my mind." My fingers ached to type "it's not me, it's you." Space of time was given for "thinking" about these things and when I felt I could put it off no longer i sent an email saying that despite my desperate desire to be the bigger person and forget how quickly I was dumped originally I just couldn't and wasn't I a terrible person for not being able to recover from that and that it caused me an amount of sorry. To the world in general, this blog and it's reader I would like to announce - "it's not me, it's A" I honestly feel completely justified in saying "No, no thank you." to him. I do have a certificate of citizenship - maybe I could actually have said, "P**s off mate, I think you're a f***w*d."

I have fears that A is mentioning my name to people in a less than favourable light - that would be disappointing.

The one with the oddness

I've often struggled to find a connection to a community - a group of people that I feel completely at ease among. I treasure my friends who "get" me, who are on the same wavelength. That nagging self-doubt I have inside of me wonders if I'm not just some form of freak show entertainment for them, designed to give them a laugh before they move along and go back to their "normal" lives.

The only group of people I know I can feel that level of comfort with is my mother's family. As a general rule, they're a bright bunch with an evil sense of humour.

Tonight I'm taking the blame for my interactions with a particular individual. Errors in judgement have been made on both sides, there is no immunity for me. In the most recent communications I have taken the position of "it's not you, it's me" and that has been readily taken on board and from incoming communications, "it's not him, it's me." Cheers for that buddy, I'm sure if you give yourself that exemption from any fault you'll have a long and happy life.

I'm also feeling a significant amount of emotional pain, none 0f which belongs to me but is all based on frustration about not being able to help my sister in a process that no-one can control.


Where to from here? As usual, I have no idea... but I may well be on the run down to actualy bidding at an auction.

Occupational Hazards

Tonight I thought about just what it is about small talk that, well, not that I *can't* do, but more that I just won't partake in. Tonight I wondered whether in fact talking to people about death and dying, whether treating people and thinking "they won't see Christmas" makes me appreciate silence and simplicity outside of the work place.

Also tonight - and it should be noted that this was while walking home from the pub after a substantial amount of vodka (which is still in my system I'll admit) I thought about my life and how the defining moments of my life, the events that I suggest have had the biggest impact on who I am, have all been quite negative. I'm not going to go into them here and now, I'm not sober enough for that, but only for the fact that I must be a natural born optimist have I reached the age I have and believe that I have self-actualised for a second time. It should also be noted, both times I've thought I have self-actualised, I have been single. Excuse me, Whitney is at the door.

I kid you not folks

Right... so.. took a quiz...


How evil are you?

If I tried to work out what percentage of me is gay - I might struggle. Sexually, I'm a gay man, when it comes to sexual activity, give me a man (or men) or give me nothing. However, it should be noted that I don't actively participate in events of the gay community. Mardi Gras doesn't interest me, neither does the idea of camping outside some regional town in Victoria to surround myself with the Gay and Lesbian Community. During the week that was, I ran into an attractive man who lives in the building next door to mine, on the topic of his work, his first comment was that his boss was gay and that made him a lot calmer. My boss has the same title as myself in essence, the same training and similar experiences. We respect each other as people. I don't know what my boss gets up to in the sack, the question has never been raised.

There is a cafe up the road that has a predominantly gay customer base. On a regular basis I do go there. It's a great place to watch people (mostly gay people) and the waiters are very attentive. I'm a flirt, I admit that.

Head Space January 2008

For those interested in taking a tour of my mindspace at the moment.. here's the deal.

I'm doing just fine.. I like who I am, I'm very comfortable with that. and I like who I see when I look in the mirror.

Work - is good, they still drive me mental sometimes and I still am at odds with their "logic." Yesterday I attended a staff meeting that I rated a "double eye gouger." I can generate very little interest in problems that are generated because we've purchased from multiple vendors.

Air Force Guy has been replaced with.. well.. Air Force Guy.. but with a signifcant improvement in kms (you know Air Force Guy will always hold a special place in my esteem/thoughts.)

Tonight I'll be doing the trawl of realestate.com.au and searching for places around here to buy - with the usual requirements, do I think I can keep a dog there.

Gym work is going well.. it's fat friday but I'm starting to see the two top abs so I'm happy with the forward momentum.

Society in general? well. I don't like where it's going - people are having "anger reactions" earlier in the process. They seem to believe that an anger reaction will achieve their desired result much faster than any other method (and they might be right but I maintain it isn't needed.) There is a focus on self and not the fellow "man."

Sitting here writing I've had a sudden thought that perhaps *this* is the purpose of organised religion. Mind control as such but preaching that second greatest commandment. (no, not going to give that one to you, do some research and find out for yourself.)

Enjoy life people, and be kind to your comrades.

Random stuff going around in my head

"This lesbian bar has no fire escapes! Enjoy your death trap, Ladies!" - Homer J Simpson