Pivotal Moments

Head demons are enjoying 2007 and my own are refusing to be silent. Foolishly I went back and read a couple of journal articles that I know better than to read and have made me shed more than a few tears. Combined with guilt over not calling my ex my thoughts strayed to how and when we grew apart. One of the defining moments was during 2004 - life had been good, busy and I was battling a dark space in my head - and I found a lump. My entire mind went into overdrive about re-entering chemotherapy and planning on how to combine my life, my work and my treatment. The lump turned out to be nothing, in fact given a couple more weeks it resolved itself completely even though it had apparently been noticed a few months prior - being a practical kind of person I was planning the practical side of treatment, the transportation and the post-chemo care. It was during this time that I had to do some serious evaluation of my partner and rightly or wrongly, I decided that he wasn't someone I could rely on for such an occasion. I feel that from then on I started to retreat from him. I did love him, I still love him. I'm not sure we're right for each other, the growing apart has been done. I'm not sure there is any way to tell him this, or indeed if I even should.